Thursday, December 26, 2002
the other night i had an epiphany:
none of any of this matters in the long run.
yes, i knew this before, but:
i saw everything swept away.
music. people. relationships. everything.
all that was left was God, and me.
at that point, everyone and everything else had died, been destroyed.
therefore, fame is the most useless of all things.
therefore, being "part of" something, which i always always desire, is fruitless in the long run.
you will take none of that to heaven.
even relationships.
will all be destroyed.
so, the only, only, only thing that matters is a divine relationship.
the nearest equivalent to fame that actually matters is saving souls. [all real glory there is god's of course]
the only real thing to be "part of" is God's divine plan.
so why am i wasting time not evangelizing?
i need to remember perspective.
3:32 AM
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
why am i always so concerned with being involved in something"important" ? ? ? ?
1:53 AM
Monday, December 23, 2002
mewithoutyou has the most appropriate lyrics. i think this one phrases well my current emotions:
My Lord, how long to sing this song?
And my Lord, how much more of this pretending to be strong?
[The Two Towers was great!]
12:40 AM
Sunday, December 15, 2002
home [sweet?] home
richmond. yay. don't get me wrong. i love my family. my friends here. etc. i just miss people. and craziness. and a certain independence. and other things.
i sometimes feel alienated here, too.
at least i get to go to WEPC. i love my church.
1:22 AM
Friday, December 13, 2002
i know that i must have some biological problem, because i can't think of anything sad right now, even though i feel terrible.
11:24 PM
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
after getting out for a while, and hanging out with some friends in the underground, i feel alot better. unfortunately, along with feeling better, frustrations re-emerged that were the cause of my dive into apathy/depression/misery. some things never change--but i'm hoping this pattern will not be one of them.
i've been reading alot of psych, as i have an exam in it tomorrow, and i think i'm learning alot. about myself, and about people in general. i think that i will likely major in psych--unless i fall in love with english [or religion, or philosophy...]. i wish i could major in "stuff about people." ah, well.
The record ended long ago, we go on dancing nonetheless.
3:25 AM
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
oh, hey, there it is. it's back. oh, yes, the familiar loathable sensation. yep. i missed several commitments today. i slept for 14 hours. i haven't gotten dressed. i haven't eaten anything but pop rocks and a small piece of chocolate. oh, wow, i haven't missed this at all. in fact, if i had never felt like this again, i think i would've been ok with that. yep, i'm not even that sad right now. too drained. all i can listen to is U2. [and no, not beautiful day]. it's comfortable and not challenging. i seriously feel weak. hmmmmm... any symptoms left out? probably, but i'm too worn-out to care. funny how the cause, or what i sometimes consider the cause, of my depression doesn't even matter much to me right now. i'm pretty much dead. lifeless. worthless to other people. i hope that i did not seriously hinder any other people. not that i can really help it if i did. i can't even muster up the effort to call anyone. is this what hell is like? apathy? i dunno.
goodbye.
4:31 PM
God, why does my heart melt at the worst of moments...?
1:01 AM
Saturday, December 07, 2002
stuck in a moment
i need to get over things. i dwell alot. anyone notice that? cuz i do.
things i can't have--i need to get over. somehow i can't. but i must.
i think i need to have a new roomate.
mine stays up too late and sleeps too late. which should really tell you something coming from me.
i need someone to be like "dude, go to bed, it's 1am!" and "dude, wake up, it's 1pm!"
not someone who doesn't go to bed until 4am and doesn't get up till 4pm.
i mean, that's fine for him and all, but i want to have a more normal sleeping pattern; he's not helping.
also, i need a roomate to give me hugs when i need them. hugs on demand. yes.
oh, and one who doesn't drink would be nice.
so, those are my 3 prerequisites.
anyone need a roomate?
alright, fine, i admit it, i'm avoiding preparing for exams. i guess i'll go try and do that now.
you've got to get yourself together
3:20 PM
God is Good
see above.
4:08 AM
Friday, December 06, 2002
nothing feels good
i should be happy right now. i had a great day. snow, no class, friends, movies, video games, bluegrass. i dunno. i'm just depressed. depressed. depressed.
i think i need a hug.
...the sun, the moon. all else is darkness...
12:49 AM
Thursday, December 05, 2002
DENALI RULES
and I love Maura so much. She makes me melt with her voice [and body]. She is gorgeous. She is everything I could want from someone I don't know.
3:21 AM
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
preview
I long for the day
and the day will come
that sees you all upon your knees
and i will be crying
crying out for hope
which some of you will lose
and i long for the day
when this body will be no more
the glorious immaculate conception
will shine forevermore
x,x
in light of your past
your future shines or fades
and all will come to light
i long for the day
i long
when no man will need to fight
x,x
and whoever is blest will see
the measureless expanse ahead
when fear and gladness meet
when fear and gladness meet
so gather up the dreams and goals and every sorrow dead
and wherever you rest your head
let truth be blankets
stealing you from winter's rightful grip...
2:42 AM
Monday, December 02, 2002
>>SOMETIMES I HATE EVERYTHING<<
i'm going to bed.
2:28 AM
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