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Faced with the unutterable, words still disintigrate...
And ever new, out of the most quivering stones, music builds her divine house in useless space.
-Rilke
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I am moody.
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[I am not very good at html]
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sometimes i wish... [a blog]
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Tuesday, May 14, 2002
oh by the way, i think most of my emotional capabilities to love others have been replaced by an empty lust. not even a very passionate lust. just kind of an empty desire for gratification. kind of like a desire to lie with someone and have them want to be with me--a desire to be desired moderately... kind of just a desire to touch/hold/feel progressing to the end and a desire to fulfill someone in an unpowerful but yet obscure and unique way.
sad.
i am selfish. sorry people. i am not a good person. stop thinking i am. please. why do people think i am a good person?????? why?????????????????
i mean, i am trying to be better, but i am not good.
it makes me feel fake when people say i do good things. does anyone know my motivations? could they not be twisted selfish ones under a compassionate guise? might i not be the most manipulative jerk anyone has known? i am a pig. stop treating me as a nice person. yes i care about people. but i am selfish. sick. manipulative. absorbed in my own future way more than that of any other human. why compliment me?
perhaps i am too extreme...
11:22 PM
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