-------------
Faced with the unutterable, words still disintigrate...
And ever new, out of the most quivering stones, music builds her divine house in useless space.
-Rilke
-------------
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
I am moody.
|
[I am not very good at html]
|
|
|
sometimes i wish... [a blog]
|
|
| |
Friday, May 10, 2002
physics would be neat if i cared more
i like physics except when i am floating or sinking
right now i am the former
unfortunately, that means i am way way prone to be the later at any moment.........
but i like being floating
although really, i think i am not floating now
i was an hour ago
now i am not
i am just happy
i'm hearing bad pop [3rd eye blind]... somehow i don't hate it at this moment [usually it makes me want to die]... despite it's crappy, awful lyrics, it's just so bubbly [shallow] and happy that it fits my mood.
i sometimes get deeply happy
like yesterday
beautiful happy
rainer maria reminds me how to be
that
and i like like like it
but it's always on the verge of reversal
total reversal
because i think that i am must probably kind of am maybe really bipolar
bc i swing
hard
like yesterday
i was happy
and then i was deeeeeeeeeeply happy
with people
life
beauty
God
nature
dancing
dancing
i wanted to dance
pirouettes
but then
later
that night
something broke
flooded out
something
a switch
flickered then fell
and i was different
very
very
numbly apathetically
bad
evil bad passionless almost but not
not deeply controversial
not fighting
evil in action but not thought
some thought bad
not hurting anyone but self
mind
not hurting deeply
numb
but not empty
i was
i was
i used to be numb and empty
and apathetic and evil
and hate
and alone
and self-loathing
and dark
and hermit
and bad
and self-hate
and hiding
and crying
and burning up
but then i cried and hid enough
and now i am sometimes evil bad but not empty
sometimes apathetic but not all the way
not ice into skin alone hating
once i felt it again and felt god leave [in my head] and the chill made me come back out
i am too much a wound or a dancer
yes sometimes not a dancer
somenight when there are no toes brushing against my heel and i am wishing for more than two feet between sheets
then i am opened up to blood flesh and water
the gore wound heart fire
flicker flash sears rips crushes spears
like a harpoon
and my mouth is open and my eyes are hidden and my dripping nose searches for stars in the cieling with my up palms spread like hair-static while prostrate squirming writhing back digs floor
and i am silent
and moaning
and silent
and sleeping
and then i wake up
drag my dead body to it's committment
force my hand up and down
up and down
up and down
smile
chat
up and down
and i come home and stare or chat
and forget
and go away
and forget
and forget
until i am not with
and i am opened up again
and sometimes i try to open and have an ear but it is never understanding
and it is worse because i would rather not have the weak worthless unavoidable reply
so i stream
but those nights are not so regular
anymore
[not like last summer
and fall]
i am usually not like that anymore
usually i am ok
or a little sunken
but not stumbling dizzy desperate
usually
because it is no good
because desire
desire desire desire
is stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid
but i am ok
[for now]
12:26 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
