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Faced with the unutterable, words still disintigrate...
And ever new, out of the most quivering stones, music builds her divine house in useless space.
-Rilke
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I am moody.
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[I am not very good at html]
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sometimes i wish... [a blog]
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Thursday, June 27, 2002
oh, and the Denali show was great... er should i say the jets to brazil show? i don't really go for JTB much... sorry all you hardcore JTB fans... they just don't sound all that, well, different from anything. sure, they're good at what they do, but what they do isn't all that entertaining. but Denali was so great. Mara is so gorgeous... er, i mean her voice is... but yeah, and i definitely dug the new song with the "melodina" or whatever the thing is called that Cam played. it's kind of like an ocarina, but not.
slow and steady wins the race, eh?
i'm screwed.
if only, sporradic and absent-minded won...
i'd be such a winner then...
now that's the sort of smack that leaves a bruise...
**sniff** that album always makes me feel better about myself... thanks Dave.
shit. i'm as post-modern as any of the stuff i criticize... probably why i hate things... probably it's the part of myself i hate the most... Vanilla Sky is an evil mirror into myself... i suck...
look... loosely connected thoughts... elipses... makes things less concrete... sweet ryan. way to be what you hate. why do you hate it though? [i am doing it more as i go on] is it because you feel you lack talent and this is a lazy excuse for talent? yes. yes, it is.
you feel fake? you feel like a liar when anyone praises you for anything? yes. you still want praise though? yes. you'll never be good enough for your own standards anyway? probably not. it's impossible, even if you practiced 9 hours a day, to ever be good enough? yes. but that makes it worse because then you hardly practice consistently at all? yes. and you hardly read or pray or do anything you value, or at least wish or claim to value, at all? yes. and you're so confused? yes/yes/yes/yes/yes/yes/yes
WHAT IS MY HEAD DOING TO ME?
everything is so messed up and it's not at all and i know what's true for the biggest thing, but for everything else there's no answer so i'm so confused forever....................................................
i'll never be anything i want. [does it matter?]
2:43 AM
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