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Faced with the unutterable, words still disintigrate...
And ever new, out of the most quivering stones, music builds her divine house in useless space.
-Rilke
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I am moody.
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[I am not very good at html]
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sometimes i wish... [a blog]
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Tuesday, May 28, 2002
but for now i need you
been thinking about things.
about my lack of concern for things of great worth.
about my lack of sharing with others anything of great worth.
about my lame attitude towards God most of the time.
about how disgustingly rich and selfish i am.
about how continually surrounded by marketing i am.
about how i can't "walk down the street free of suggestion."
[fugazi rules!!! rock-n-rooooooll!!!! down with the government!!!! anarchy in the UK!!!!]
about how all i do is only for duty or pleasure.
where's love?
where's love?
i need to be more real.
more loving.
more filled to the brim with love.
less self-serving/self-loathing.
much less.
and i need to pray more.
not out of duty, or nothing is accomplished.
i need to act more like the bride.
the church needs to act more like the bride.
but honestly, who am i to rebuke the church?
i am maybe sometimes less pretentious than some churches, but i am not together. not where i should [and want to] be.
by the way, GOD LOVES YOU
i know it.
I mean, seriously, God has blessed me so much.
I'm such a f***-up.
[sometimes self-censorship is fun]
I am nowhere near a good person.
anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong.
i am a jerk/
i don't listen.
i seek after what i like.
i screw people over.
i look at people as objects.
it's disgusting.
but yet. God has a plan for me.
if i didn't know Christ was the son of God and died after living a perfect life so that he could bear my sins... i would lose my mind. seriously. i am crazy enough as it is. that's the one firm foundation in my life. ---one---. there is nothing else i don't question. ok, i have questioned it, but not for long because i always come back to the conclusion that it is true. not based on emotion [alot of times i don't want it to be true], not based on tradition [i certainly don't do everything my parents say... i don't even neccesarily believe all my church has to say... i can at least somewhat think for myself], not based on ignorance [i have certainly explored the beliefs of other religions... some of them quite open-mindedly... i'm still in fact considering the possibilities TM (Transcendental Meditation) has to offer--though after -much- research and thinking i have mostly concluded the majority of it to be false... we'll see as i find out more later], but based on reason [see previous statements on what i believe] and an act of will [faith]. i believe it takes more faith not to believe in God than to believe in God because He's so apparent. As far as Christianity... i just think it makes sense. i know it makes sense. it saved my life/soul/everything. Christ did. God forgives everything if you let Him. everything. basking in the riches of His Grace is so so so Glorious. it allows you freedom of mind and the freedom to love others completely. Grace is oh so amazing. I need it so badly. I am so far short of the Glory of God, yet by grace am completely covered in it. God is so beautiful and amazing. Such a perfect plan. Such an amazing lover of my soul. So endlessly merciful. to allow anyone such amazing Grace despite such grave disobedience. I cannot say enough. I cannot live enough. I cannot breathe, cannot dance, cannot cry, cannot sing, cannot love, cannot do enough. I long for His love.
you were waiting always
12:58 AM
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