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Faced with the unutterable, words still disintigrate...
And ever new, out of the most quivering stones, music builds her divine house in useless space.
-Rilke
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I am moody.
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[I am not very good at html]
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sometimes i wish... [a blog]
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Tuesday, March 26, 2002
I feel like I should be shuffling down the hall in a gown and slippers...
I am drained...
dehydrated probably...
I lost it last time because saturday night turned out so useless.
reminded me of how i never really produce anything worth hearing...
today i spent hours working with alex getting tracks to make my song real...
i came home to find my drum machine bit it...
and the computer stopped making sound...
so i can't finish my damn song before friday, the deadline...
stupid work tomorrow...
probably AP on Thursday...
I have nothing....
I listen to so much and make nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
stupid work...
i am useless...
even if God has bigger plans,
i want this one thing for myself.
even if it is not to my credit.
i just want to have one creation
one good thing.
though, even this song wouldn't be entirely my own...
so yeah.
i am useless.
great.
painters, poets all around, and what am I?
a pathetic loser.
a fake.
as far as adding to the great aesthetic is concerned:
worthless.
I have made no contribution.
i can hear every song ever made, but can I make one?
apparently not.
apparently i am stupid.
apparently i have no creative abilities...
ambition, sure...
ability?
nope.
if you judge creativity by ambition, i am [or was] a damn good painter.
i'm a useless dreamer
nothing of mine takes shape... doesn't even begin to.
after the comoputer died, so did i.
slept. hours.
still drained.
dead.
useless.
i am not capable of living with so much unfulfilled desire.
and i can't kill my desire.
i am incapable of that too.
too undisciplined to learn discipline.
i am inadequate in every field.
ok. maybe "adequate" in a few, but never exceptional.
i feel like i'm always watching the greatest artists in the world
studying them
but i am the annoying "friend" that tries to hang out with them and think he's part of them.
part of the aesthetic
part of something beautiful
but i am only an obsessive spectator...
i feel as useless as a sports announcer.
11:06 PM
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